Dear 23 Year Old Me: A Letter to First Time Mom Self

Dear 23 Year Old Me,

I see you in that bedroom, laying there on that bed in the dark, crying your eyes out a week and half postpartum after having your first baby.  I know you're wondering why you feel this way, your sad, a nervous wreck, and quite frankly depressed.  You don't know that at the moment, but you're going to battle that for a while.  In fact there are a lot of things you don't know at the moment because you can't see past what is right in front of you.  What I want you to know is that it all turns out all right, life is forever changed, but life will not always feel exactly like this.  There are ups and downs and twists and turns and things you NEVER would have foreseen, but you make it, and it is a really beautiful life.  Let me tell you 23 year old me,

• First of all you end up having 4 kids.  That's right FOUR.  I know there is no way you can imagine that now, especially as you are laying in that dark bedroom lamenting the life you used to have.  And no you haven't gone off your rocker, in about 10 months God is going use a sermon to rock your's and Mark's view of children and you will feel that gentle pressure from him that 4 is your number.  Don't push that away or out, you're going to question that again later, but don't doubt in the darkness what God has shown you in the light.  You'll be glad you did in the end I promise.  I'm sitting here rocking your 4th blessing right now and you'll now know there is nothing better and the beauty of trusting the Lord.
• seriously, sleep when the baby sleeps.  You won't do this because it makes you feel to lazy.  I am here to tell you there is not another time where you will be able to and you will regret not having slept more when you could. 
• You will worry needlessly about doing everything right with this baby.  You will feel the need to prove to everyone you know what you're doing, even when you don't.  This is unnecessary, everyone is figuring everything out.
• Don't keep tabs on who is doing more work around the house.  Your husband is actually working in that office across the street and you need to stop keeping score.
• I know you're sad to not be working, especially since you only spent a semester in your dream job before leaving because you were surprisingly pregnant.  You will reap the benefit of once again trusting in following what you KNOW the Lord has called you to do, even though you don't want to and don't understand it.  Grieve not having the career you thought, it's ok, but know there is a time you will one day be begging your husband not to send you back to work because you love being at home.  
• Your husband's work schedule is cushy, be grateful because never again will he have to be in the office across the street from your house by 9 AM again.
• You're going to walk through undiagnosed and overlooked postpartum depression with your first kiddo.  It'll take 10 months and a car wreck to snap you out of it and realize the depth of love you have for your first.  
• Your husband is going to change careers and go back to school all while y'all find out you're pregnant with your second kid and you head back to work for a year to support your family.  That year is going to be hard, you'll have ZERO money and find yourself wondering how you are going to make it, literally.  But God will supply your needs miraculously, you wont go hungry and you will learn how to get by on slim pickins.  Oh, and he breaks his collar bone here, the day before Christmas Eve and that will require surgery.  God will once again provide the funds and he will be released just in time to be able to continue clinicals and graduate on time.
• Both you and Mark are going to cry as you leave your screaming child with a complete stranger at daycare while you go off to work.  You're going to stand out on the curb and wonder if what y'all are doing is worth it.  While he won't stop screaming for an entire semester, what you are doing is worth the benefit to your family in the end.  And God works out a way for him to stay with "Nana" Cheryl and he stops crying after 2 days with her.
• You will give birth to your second baby boy, and realize the moment he is born what having a baby is "supposed" to feel like.  You will not struggle with depression this go around, you will instead snuggle and babywear, and love being a mom from the get go.  You will hate having to leave him, even with Nana Cheryl, but you are on the downhill slope of this working year.  
• You will cry many tears over your rambunctious and stubborn 3 year old.  You won't understand why he acts the way he does, but stay your course, be consistent, he turns into a fabulous 7 year old I promise.  
• Don't give up on MAKING your kiddos try 2 bites of everything you make, it will pay dividends in your kids will learn to eat a wider variety of things.  Sitting there and winning that battle at the table is worth it.  And use "dip" for anything if it makes them eat it.
• These years of 2 age 2 and under are so sweet I promise.  Don't punch me, though I know you want to.  These are the slow years, you have no childcare, no place to be, nothing like that.  The days are super long, and oh man are they tiring, but I promise you WILL look back on them with fondness.
• Always promote the fact your children are each other's best friend and should be treated as such.  This will cut out hugely on fights and you will see the power words can hold and how they can shape actions.  
• You will be surprised to find yourself in the brookshires bathroom one night holding a positive pregnancy test. . . that puts your due date on December 28th.  You will have even more fun surprising your husband with the news in the car.  He will have had no idea you were buying the test in the first place. You will also buy your first house in a few months time, moving for the 5th time in your 6 year marriage, and the 3rd time pregnant.  Little do you know you will NEVER bring a kid home to the same house they were "thought about" in.  It's just as hard to do each time. 
• You will be even more shocked to learn you are carrying a little GIRL, something you were encouraged to pray boldly for, but in your mind never thought you would have.  And yes you are just as excited as you think you will be, shaking, smiling, and giddy as ever.  This girl you have, well let us just say she will break the mold of what you think having a girl will be like.  She's crazy, fun, endearing, and oh so fun. Oh and she never stops talking.  Never.
• That pregnancy will drive you to your knees, especially towards the end.  You will contract and think you are in labor so many times.  You will worry very sillily if you can love a girl as much as your boys.  You can.  
• You will realize each baby born you get a little more relaxed and confident in yourself.  You ARE maturing, even if it doesn't feel like it.
• Year 7 in your marriage will be trying to say the least.  This is the darkness where you will wonder if you heard God correctly about having 4 kids so long ago.  It is here you will learn what it means to take every thought captive and that God will grow you the most, here in the deep dark.  Hold true to His promises, keep your head down and working hard with your husband, soon you are going to look up and realize just how far y'all have come.  This in turn will help y'all realize the true blessing of your family. 
• Your oldest will start kindergarten, at a school that allows you to homeschool him on Mondays and Fridays while attending at the actual school Tuesday through Thursday.  This will be the answer to a prayer you and Mark pray for you family starting when he was 3.  You will have totally done a 180 on educating your children, this will grow and change throughout the years and you will really search for what God says is best for your family.  This is the answer.  He will be ready and will THRIVE.  The year will have ups and downs, you will have to learn to be organized but it WILL be good.  
• It is also this year that you and your husband will dust off that idea of four kids.  You will wonder if y'all should, if you heard God right, if you can do it, if you will drown in the craziness of it all.  And then you will choose to trust the whisper you heard 6 years ago and decide to try for that 4th baby.  
• You will indeed get pregnant with that 4th one and wonder "what now" as well as begin to ponder all these things in your heart as this is as you now know your last pregnancy.  You will be grateful for fatigue and morning sickness, you will once again move to another house, you will spend a ton of time worrying about this baby's health, your own health, etc. This will be the only baby you are confident in the gender before you know for sure what you are having.  You will have a dream about a little girl and that little girl will indeed be what you have.
• You will go back and forth on a name, wanting it to encompass everything God has done for you.  Mark will want Grace, you will want something with a K.  Eventually you will arrive at the name Karis, which is greek for grace and both just know that is it.
•  Your new house will have major issues after you move in, the oven, microwave, dishwasher, heater and air conditioner, bedroom wall, pipe, and floors will all have to be replaced.  You will wonder how all this will happen before the baby is born, but don't worry it will.
• Taking care of 3 kids while pregnant and in the middle of house renovations is really really tough.  It will take a toll on you mentally and physically.  You will continue to wonder how to not be the mom you are being, how to be a better one.  Don't worry, your prayers aren't falling on deaf ears, God is working all that out too.  
• This string of "first lasts" with this last baby will have you all reflective as you know once each stage is over, that time in your life will close.  You will look back and realize just how much you really didn't know at the time, and you will be oh so thankful for each heart change and road the Lord has set before you.  You by no means have arrived, but you are a little wiser, a little older, and you are beginning to see the fruits of your parenting labors.  Stay the course, and above all TRUST GOD, in the light, and especially in the darkness.  I guarantee you He is working all things together for your good, He is giving you are story unlike anyone else's and you are going to be able to help others.  You're going to learn to sit and soak in every ounce of newborn nursing instead of hating it like you do right now.  You are going to learn to love the family you've been given instead of wondering if you can make it to the next day.  You're going to sleep again, you will be able to actually cook meals again, you will learn to keep a home decently, you will be able.  He has called you to this life and through the years He will equip and mold and shape you to be able to do the tasks in front of you. So get up, brush away the tears, know you're going to be ok, absolutely ok.  And you are going to love your life, I promise.

Karis's Birth Story Part 2: At the Hospital

So we make it to the hospital around 8:30 or so and get checked in and taken up to labor and delivery.  In case you didn't know, at labor and delivery there is a triage unit for them to send moms too that believe they are in labor.  I get hooked up to the monitors all while sneezing and sniffling still.  I am still having contractions every 2-4 minutes and feel them a lot in my back.  They send in a nurse to check me who goes EXTREMELY fast and it really really hurts (come to find out it was her first day lol).  I am still about the same as I was the last time I went to the doctor which isn't super encouraging but it isn't discouraging either because I know these contractions feel a lot different than what I had been feeling up to that point.

We end up staying there a couple of hours with consistent contractions.  The on call doctor comes in to see me and tells me I'm at a 3, but I will need to get to a 4 to be admitted/ before they will call my real doctor.  I didn't think they would let me walk around being only 36 weeks and 2 days, but surprisingly they did! They offered pain meds, but I wouldn't be able to walk so I declined them and Mark and I started walking the halls.  I would stop for really painful contractions and hold on to him then start walking again, I did NOT want to go back home and Mark definitely didn't.  It was here we found out it was the first day for nurse who came to check me originally because as we were walking by the nurses station we heard her saying "I lost this patient on the monitor, she's not showing up, I can't find this patient anywhere on the monitor!" to which the other nurses said "because she's RIGHT there!" as we were walking by the desk.  We laughed and they told us it was her first day so go easy.

Eventually I got tired of being out in the hall because the way it was set up you circled in front of the waiting room or you just turned around every time you got to either end.  If I am in labor, I don't want anyone seeing me that way besides Mark, because I don't want to have to pretend like I am not hurting or uncomfortable when I really am, it just takes more energy than it is worth.  By that time they let us have a room, and it was HUGE so we went in there and I continued to walk back and forth for a while.  They come back in to check me around lunch and I am at a 4! Woohoo! Admittance and baby day! We text everyone that today is baby day and get settled in to get an epidural and labor the easy way.  However about 45 mins later our nurse comes back and you can tell she does not want to tell us the news.  They finally called Dr. Newlin and he told them that a lot of these preterm labor contractions can be caused by dehydration so he told them to give me fluids via IV and if I didn't change to a 5 then we had to go home! So around 1:15 they hook me back up to all the monitors and then stick me 4 times trying to find a vein for the IV.

They finally get one and begin pushing fluids.  I get up and keep walking around the delivery room trying to will myself to dilate more.  At one point people in my family try to take Mark out of the room to let him eat something while someone else comes in there with me.  I yell out the door that I don't care if he eats in front of me, he isn't leaving and they can come back once I have an epidural.  I felt bad about being so rude later on.  Eventually they come back in and offer the shot of demeral and phenegrin for pain relief they had offered earlier that morning.  The catch is I won't be allowed to be up and walking because it makes you whoozy and loopy.  Finally after coaxing from the nurse and mark I consented.  I didn't want it to slow anything down or cause me to have to go home, but eventually comfort won out and I let them.  When she gave me the shot she said "ok stick AND now a burn." She hadn't told me it was going to burn as the medicine went in.  I ended up yelling and sobbing which made Mark come over and hold my hand.  Through sobs I say to him "I. . . feel. . . like. . . Owen!!!" which made him laugh super hard as he explained to the nurse that his poor pitiful wife meant she felt like her dramatic 4 year old.

The meds caused me to fall into a weird sleep where I dreamed really weird things that I can't remember now.  I would go in and out of sleeping for a couple of hours.  Finally they come back in and check me and I am STILL at a 4.  I cried super hard because I knew he was going to send me home and I had had people waiting in the waiting room all day and I was just going to look super stupid.  I also was still contracting regularly and my back was super tired and tight and everything.  Basically I was miserable...  Doctor said at 4:30 that I had until 5 to get to a 5 or I was going home.  I could tell this was making Mark anxious and kinda frustrated because he desperately didn't want to go home with a crazy half laboring wife.  So we text everyone and they all pray.  The sweet nurse (Sarah was her name I believe) comes back in to check me and I just know she is going to say there has been no change.  Surprisingly she says I am somewhere between a 4.5 and a 5.  I'm definitely further along than I was previously, but not quite at the place he wanted me to be.  She calls Dr. Newlin to see what he would say.  It was then I started seeing Mark get his "fighting pants" on gearing up for possibly needing to make a case to keep us there.

Dr. Newlin comes in we are prepared to hear we would have to go home.  Surprisingly he starts by saying, "Well we have 3 options.  1) I could send you home but I really think you may be back up here either late tonight or tomorrow morning. 2) Let you leave and go eat something and come back in a couple of hours. If you weren't such a bad IV stick that is the one that I would say do just so you can eat. 3) We keep you hear, give you the epidural, break your water and get this show on the road.  The risk was that being 36 weeks Karis may need to go to the NICU."  Mark said he was nervous that if we left and went home,  we would just be back a few hours later, but possibly not in enough time to get an IV, fluids and an epidural.  Dr Newlin's reply to that was "I'm more afraid you just wouldn't make it back at all." So that one was taken off the table.  I didn't want to have to get stuck again with an IV and go back through the entire registration process AGAIN so going to eat and come back didn't sound appealing either.  We were convinced I was in labor so we made the decision to go ahead and allow them to admit me, get an epidural and break my water.  Hallelujah, after 8 hours we were finally going to be able to stay and Mark didn't have to use his fighting pants lol.

They give me an epidural which really doesn't mix well with the demeral from earlier.  It made me feel super strange.  I couldn't concentrate, couldn't look people in the eye, send a text, write a post about having her that day, anything.  I kept saying over and over to Mark "I don't like this, I feel bad, this is awful, I hate this" for apparently a few hours.  It was during this time there was a shift change for the nurses and to my surprise I get the mom of another kid from Reid's class as my nurse! I was so glad to know her! She comes in during one of my "I hate this" episodes and  says "You're just feeling a little drunk, most people like this feeling" to which I say "Is this what drunk is? If so, WHY do people do it?!"  Mark tells her "yeah, she doesn't like not being in control."

Finally at 7:30 they break my water! Finally we can start actually having something happen.  This epidural was ok.  It worked for the most part, I could move my left leg, though it felt tingly, but my right one was completely dead, I couldn't move it if I tried.  Mom and abby came back and talked to me for a little bit during this time too, but I am still having trouble making eye contact and sense! I go in and out of sleep for a bit too.  They come back and check me again around 8:30 and I am at an 8.  The contractions are still consistent but not as strong as they were before the epidural so they decide to give me pitocin to speed things along.  Another couple of hours pass and all the sudden I begin feeling pain in my left hip (the leg that never fully went dead).  I remember Mark saying "Can you feel that?" and me not even having time to answer before the doctor is back in there to check me.  They lift the sheet back to see what I have progressed to and say "Woah, that baby is right there, let's get ready to push!"  This was super exciting news that we were grateful to hear!

They begin breaking down the bed, I tell Mark to text mom, and everything begins happening all at once.  By now I can feel some pressure from contractions so I know when I am supposed to push which is something I was nervous I wouldn't be able to feel and then would end up pushing for forever.  THAT was not going to be the case however because she was visible from the first push.  They had me do a small push and then I pushed with the next contraction and she was out!  It was literally like 2 minutes, maybe, the fastest time we have ever had a baby! I just remember the room being so quiet too.  She was breathing but honestly didn't cry hardly at all which made me nervous that she was going to have to go to the NICU.  I kept asking over and over again if she was ok while everyone took turns reassuring me she was.  It was just the best feeling to have her in my arms after such a LONG day and too know our family was finally all here and healthy.  I fed her and she started of eating like a champ and hasn't stopped since.  Mark and I have said over and over that she is such a boob baby, she loves to eat and is comforted when nursing!

They finally got me all stitched up and cleaned up and Mark went down to the waiting room with Mom to reveal her middle name.  No one had asked what it was until I was about 32 weeks and by then I had decided I wanted it to be a surprise.  I asked my amazingly talented sister-in-law to make a sign for this moment (and to hang on the hospital door) so she knew the name but no one else did.  Mark took the sign down and flipped it around to reveal her full name Karis Ivey Clifton.  Ivey is my mother's maiden name so we decided to honor that and my grandparents with her.  It is a sweet and meaningful middle name and I am grateful we were able to pull off the surprise.  After what was probably the longest day for people everyone was able to come back and see her at 11:30pm.  They were all troopers I tell ya! And in true "Jones" after baby style, I got to eat left over pizza king from everyone's supper (this has happened with all the kiddos except Reid because he was born at 5:30 in the morning lol.  I did eat pizza king later that day though).  Everyone just loved on her, and then left to go get some sleep.  Mark and I had to wait for my epidural to wear off before I could get moved to another room, which we finally did around 2AM.  That was a little rough, especially with people coming in at all hours of the night but we made it.

Last Pregnant Pic (taken before we left for the hospital)

So much hair! Our babies never have hair, and it is never that dark!

In LOVE with this beautiful sign Abby made

does it get any better at 4AM? I don't think so.

Where Mark slept that night, on a mat on the floor! He didn't wake up for anything until 8!

Karis's Birth Story: Part 1, Before the Hospital

Tomorrow the official baby of our family turns one week old.  I honestly cannot believe she has been here that long, while at the same time can't imagine life without this precious soul.  I wanted to try and write this down now while I still have most of the details in line.

So I figured just like with all my other pregnancies I wouldn't actually make it to my due date.  In fact I had said from the beginning that if I made it to August I would be surprised.  And just like the last 2 pregnancies by the tail end I was feeling very uncomfortable.  At about 33 or so weeks I get to where I can barely walk at the end of the day due to immense pelvic pressure.  Also with her I think she was sitting funny because my hips would randomly go numb, sometimes almost making me buckle.  I will say that I was not nearly as uncomfortable as I was at the end of Halle Kate's pregnancy, for which I was grateful.

My original obgyn left in the middle of my pregnancy so I was left to find someone new.  Luckily a new obgyn was new to the area and taking patients.  He also happens to have a kiddo in the same class as Reid so I already was acquainted with his family.  Knowing my history of having babies early he moved all of my appointments up a few weeks and went ahead at 35 weeks and did my group b strep test and checked me.  I was at a 2, which isn't completely unusual.  I was thankful to know where I was starting from just in case I did go into labor before my next appointment.  Later that week I saw my doctor at a school work day and he told me at my next appointment he was surprised to see me there lol! Anyway that week goes on as normal, with me contracting off and on, especially at night.

We get to 36 weeks and I go in for my next appointment.  They weren't going to check me, but I requested it because of how much pressure I was feeling that day as well as all the contractions I had been having.  I told him I didn't think I would make it to the next week's appointment so I wanted to know what I was if I were to go to the hospital.  I was more than a 2 but less than a 3 and more effaced, so some progress but not much.  This was on a Thursday, and I went back home and did our normal routine, cleaning up the house as much as I could, making dinner, etc.  I knew there were other things I probably should be trying to complete, but between contractions off and on and all my other normal duties I was barely making it.

The next morning dawns and contractions are off and on which really makes me a little angry since they had been more consistent earlier in the week and weeks before hand. However my back is aching from the night before so I get up and go straight to the bath.  Bless Mark, he got all the kids up, fed, changed, and out the door by 9, oh AND made me breakfast and brought it to me in the tub! He is awesome! So I do that, get out for a bit and then go lay down and take a small nap, before 11 which is not my "normal".  I wake up, still pregnant and I am miserable and know it, but there is no other option than to just keep doing our "normal" thing.  Mark brings the kiddos home, we fix lunch and then he leaves to go and work on our rental property.  I get all kids in bed then start walking the halls to see if that would help make contractions more consistent.  They are consistent when I am up and moving but die down when I am laying down for the most part.  AKA I am not in labor, which is frustrating.  I also go and take another short nap again because I am just literally exhausted beyond belief.  I wake up from that and keep cleaning and walking the hallways until nap time is up.  I don't even remember what happened from nap time to bed time other than it was an everyone fend for themselves for supper.  Mark went and got all the kids a lunchable (which they LOVED) me a salad and him something from the store because I could literally do nothing.  We then passed the time sitting on the couch watching the kids play in the sprinkler on the trampoline.  Then it was bath and bed after which I decided to go to bed.  I was still so tired, but not contracting the way I wanted to be so instead of being up and frustrated I just went to sleep.

Around 11 or so contractions woke me up and I could tell I just didn't feel "right".  I got up and went to tell Mark (who was up doing a song for my mom) that I felt strange and I was getting in the shower.  I got in and began timing and moaning through some more intense contractions.  Mark came to check on me before he went to bed at like 12 and I was doing about the same.  I finally got out and laid back down to see if I could get some more sleep.  I fell asleep up around 3 when I woke up to contractions and feeling "off" again.  So it was back in the shower for a bit to labor.  It was then I started putting mile markers out for myself.  I just needed to make it until morning light and then I could wake up Mark.  I desperately didn't want to wake everyone up in the dead of night.  I get out, get back in the bed and sleep fitfully until around 5:45 when I wake up to contractions again and I start timing them.  They are consistent and 3-5 mins apart.  Finally Mark's alarm goes off at 6:30, he rolls over and I ask where he was planning on going.  He says "to work out" and I was like "um no you're not, I am pretty sure I am in labor."  so we time contractions and talk about what needs to happen with kids and around the house before we leave.  Around 7:30 we call and alert mom to the situation and she and dad head our way from Harleton.  They get to our house and then we are able to finally leave for the hospital.

Follow along for the rest of the story  in Part 2. . .